Currently Learn To Live By Darius Rucker History in the Making <3 see related

I think a lot at 1:30 AM

I've noticed I tend to do most of my deep thinking in the wee hours of the morning when I'm up late sitting night desk.

Do you ever think about the future? Wonder if in a year, five years, ten years from now, your life will be going the way you planned? I wonder if my audition will pay off. Will I be a music major at Fredonia? Or will I realize I can't hack it; realize I've failed; realize I've wasted my time and be forced to find another road to take? Will I be married? Engaged? Dating? Widowed? Will I have kids; a Family? One kid? Will I be a single parent, or will I be raising a child with the man who helped create him/her? Will I have a boy? A Girl? Both? Will I even have kids? Will I be back to my life with cats?

I'm at that point in my life where I'm wondering about these things. I'm wondering if I have a future, or if everything I'm doing is just a waste of time. I'm ready to start working toward that next place in my life; that next step. Obviously not all at once now, but a gradual journey in that direction. I find myself wondering if the person I'm with today will be the person I'm with down the road. I find myself wondering if the things I've been dreaming of since I was little are capable of happening. I wonder if I'll even last long enough to find out.

I want a future. I want a true love. I want to get married, and have a family, and live in a house with a dog and a yard and maybe just one cat. I want to have a good job, and take family vacations, and grow old with the love of my life and spend forever just...happy. It's ideal, it's a fairytale, and it's what I want out of my life. I want to find happiness and hold onto it. Do you think it's a feasible dream; holding onto happiness? I think it is. I hope it is. Because happiness is my only goal in life. Happiness is the only option. Anything less than happiness is not a life I want to live.

I don't know what is bringing these thoughts out tonight. Is it the fact that my friends are getting engaged and married? Or the fact that I have friends with kids? Have I been watching too many TLC Wedding shows and looking at too many Facebook pictures of weddings? Is it the fact that I just had my Fredonia audition? That I'm preparing for Potsdam? Or is it simply the fact that I'm growing up? That it's at this point in a person's life that they start evaluating everything they want out of life?

I really don't know. I'm trying to live every day for today, and hoping that tomorrow will come. I'm praying that when I look back 50 years from now, I can look back without regret. *shrugs*

Deep thinking can be bad. It makes me wonder about too much all at once. I'll try again another day.

Currently Defying Gravity By Keith Urban Only You Can Love Me This Way <3 see related

It's Been Awhile

Things sure have changed since the last time I blogged.

...Since Last July lol.

So I've been working at TJMaxx since the beginning of June, and I really love it there, most days. I like the people I work with (mostly), my managers are great (usually), & the customers are pretty nice (most days). I just got my six-month fifty cent raise, so I can officially say I no longer make minimum wage :D

I'm in my last semester at JCC, and to be honest, I'm not ready to leave yet. I liked it here a lot more than I thought I would. Right now, I'm getting ready for auditions. My first one is this Saturday the 6th, at Fredonia. (eek.) and my audition at Potsdam is February 27th. I've decided that if I make both, I'll go to Fredonia. If I make Fredonia & not Potsdam, I'll obviously go to Fredonia. If I make Potsdam & not Fredonia, then I'll be in Potsdam, and if I don't make either...well I'll be a devastated liberal arts major at Fredonia until I figure out my next move. =/ I'm just so scared that I'm going to fail, & then everything I've been doing for the past...well 14 years practically will be nothing but a waste.

One amazing thing has come out of my time at JCC. Last semester, I took intro to Chemistry, CHE 1500. It was like the second to last week of the semester and we had just taken a test. I got mine back, and was looking it over, when a guy I'd never spoken too approached the teacher with a question. Sure enough, I had the same mismarked answer on my test as he did. While we waited for Mr. Tutmaher to check, he introduced himself to me. And we began to chat. After class, he gave me his number & told me to text him sometime. ...& I did, that night. It's been the most magical experience since then.

Jason is everything I've been looking for and hoping to find, for so long. & he's also so many things I didn't know I was searching for. He makes me laugh, every single day. He cares about me, and he lets the whole world know just how much. He brings me flowers and takes me out, and he always always calls or texts me good morning and goodnight. I have never been happier than I have been the past few weeks. I'm head-over-heels in love with this boy, and it was as if he fell straight out of a dream into my world. He's not perfect, but neither am I, and somehow, he stills loves me anyway. I can't believe this is happening to me. Each & every day I find a new reason to love him, and each & every day I pinch myself to make sure I'm not dreaming.

I don't know. With John, I felt like I was always just some sort of extra. Like he had his friends, and his music, & soccer, and dreams of the Army, & I was just some girl he happened to be dating. Looking back now, I see that the "love" we had was forced and expected, like we really had no choice in how we felt. Don't get me wrong, I cared for him a lot, and I still do. But that wasn't love. Love isn't feeling like you're just a side attraction in someone else's life. I never felt accepted, or included in his family, not the way my family were open and accepting of him.

With Jason, it's so different. The feelings are stronger than what I felt over John. He makes me feel special, important, like I matter to him more than just a girl he happens to date. With Jason, I feel like the main attraction, not just a sideshow. Every kiss is just as special as the first one. Every touch gives me just as many butterflies as the last. With John, I didn't see him for days or weeks at a time, & I really didn't mind. I missed him, but it didn't phase me. With Jason, I miss him from the second he walks away until the second I'm in his arms again. If I can't hear his heartbeat; if I can't hear him breathe, he's too far away. I've never missed anyone like that before.

I love the sound of his voice, and the way he laughs. The way he has this crooked little smirk when he's planning something, and this cute little grin when he's genuinely happy. I love the way his eyes sparkle just right in the light, and the way he wrinkles his nose in his sleep. I love the sound of his heartbeat, and the way he kisses my forehead late at night or early in the morning when he thinks I'm asleep. (or maybe he knows I'm not. Either way, babe, don't ever stop that. <3) I love the way he teases me, but he always knows how far he can go, and he always stops before he goes too far. I love the way he puts on the pouty face, and bats his eyelashes to try and get his way. & usually, he does. I love feeling his arms snake around me and him just squeezing me, letting me know he's still there, and I love the way his hand fits perfectly with mine. I love the way we can bicker and argue, and end up making up before anyone gets too mad, & I love the way we can sit and talk for hours, or sit in silence and just breathe. I love the way he rests his head on my shoulder when we play Price is Right on the Wii, and I love kicking his ass at Whammy & Mario Kart. :D I love watching movies, and Family Guy, and rock concerts on DVD, and even listening to his awful heavy metal music is okay, because I'm sitting right beside him. I even love the mornings when he's sweet enough to turn on CMT for me. (& yes I did say morningS, because I have hope that there will be more than just that one <3) I love the way I can look down at my hand every day & see his name on the ring on my finger, and remember that this wasn't all just a dream. I love having a reason to listen to love songs and not feel bitter again. I love walking through Walmart, seeing all the Valentine's Day crap, & knowing that for the first Valentine's Day ever, I don't need to celebrate Single's Awareness Day. I love falling asleep with my head on his shoulder and waking up, reaching out, and knowing that when my hand falls, he'll be right there beside me. I love feeling safe, and secure, and happy, and I love feeling like the luckiest girl in the world every single day.

I don't know how this happened to me. I don't know where he came from, and I don't what I did to deserve him, but I'd do it all over again, just as long as in the end, I ended up right back here.

*sigh* I ramble, don't I? The point is, I've never been happier. Goof, I Love You <3

now, I'm off to keep myself awake for two more hours. yay NDA. not. I'm so tired right now.

The Object of my Affections

I will not lie--I have fallen in love with a fictional character.

This may or may not have happened before.

First there was Harmon Rabb

The Navy Commander Tomcat Pilot-turned JAG lawyer.
He was handsome & strong and a hero.
I was 13 & in need of saving.

Then came Luke Danes

The rugged, silent-type diner owner.
He had a heart of gold, a set or good morals & an endless supply of coffee & donuts.
I was 16, & he was rough around the edges.

How could I forget Dr. Gregory House.

The grumpy, antisocial, curmudgeon with a pain problem & a Vicodin habit.
But he played piano, & guitar, and he was a doctor--a sexy doctor.
I was 18, & he was a beautiful mess.

While I loved these men dearly, & quite nearly gave them all I had, there is one man who has entirely captured my heart.

His name, my friends, is Professor Severus Snape.

Ah, yes--the collective set of gasps I just heard was just exactly the kind of response I expected. So HOW in Merlin's name could I possibly find myself attracted to the "dungeon bat" do you ask? Well, it's quite simple, really.

Above all, he is brilliant. The man became a Potions Master & a Professor by the age of 21. He has invented several new Potions of his own, while finding ways to improve upon already existing Potions, rendering them more efficient under the pseudonym "the Half-Blood Prince." He is also proficient in the art of writing his own spells, as well as some of the rarest forms of magic known among wizard-kind. (At this point, I beg of you--do not burst my bubble about the nonexistence of the wizarding world. As far as I am concerned, magic is real, Hogwarts really hides somewhere in Scotland, and the owl carrying my letter got lost or died on its way.)

Severus is one of the bravest men anyone could ever imagine. He willingly put himself in harm's way by serving as a double agent between Light and Dark. By risking himself to Lord Voldemort in order to bring information back to Dumbledore & the Order, he saved countless numbers of lives, and was really, as much of an asset to the cause as Harry Potter himself was.

He is wise and mature, which draws me to him in ways I cannot describe. The person I am longs for an intelligent conversation, not immaturity, which is what I find in the majority of men my age. I need stability and passion, not nonsense and a lack of tact.

Professor Snape has this mysterious, brooding quality about him, which instantly attracts me to him on a physical level. He is tall, foreboding and intimidating, but yet his dark eyes hold something inside them that shows me he has a heart and soul worth reaching out for. I feel he is capable of receiving love--as well as loving others himself, although it would be a difficult struggle for him to really allow himself to open up. The man is jaded and hurting, after all.

But then maybe that is why I latched on to him in the first place. He is damaged, in desperate need of repair. And I am in need of someone whom I can fix--or ultimately, someone who can fix me. It seems to be a common link between the men I bring into my life (fictionally speaking, of course.) Harm has spent much of his life in a desperate search for his missing father, while Luke is still reeling from the tragic losses of both his parents when he was younger; his mother when he was a child, and his father when Luke was near 20. Dr. House is more obviously broken, with the damage to his leg, and the abuse of prescription painkillers. But his pain runs deep, to an emotional level, where he struggles with the ideas of love, and commitment, and hope. Severus Snape is much the same, hurting physically from the effects of acting as a spy (which ultimately leads to his death--but we won't discuss that, because in my mind, Snape lives forever. Another bubble I'd prefer you let me keep from bursting thankyouverymuch.) as well as emotionally from the loss of his childhood best friend/love, Lily Evans. the mother of the Chosen One. The guilt he feels over her (and her husband's) death is insurmountable, and the price he pays is heartbreaking in and of itself. He sacrificed so much of himself for that cause, and has nothing to show for it. 

Severus Snape is a brilliant, misunderstood, mysterious, and noble man, who deserved so much better than the hand he was dealt. Perhaps this is why I love the dark and brooding man in the billowing black robes. Don't take me the wrong way. I will continue waiting on my real life "Half-Blood Prince" to come along, black cape and all. But until that day comes, I will continue to find myself lost in love between the pages of the books where he resides.

Author's Note: For the record, this was more a character study of Professor Snape, and the romantic aspect of this post should not be taken seriously. I am not actually "in love" with a character from a book. Or any television shows. These men are merely considered "fandom infatuations." I enjoy watching television shows, or reading books, and spending hours analyzing the characters and the plot-lines. I find it more interesting than analyzing my own life. haha. However, I will admit that if I ever meet a man with the many qualities possessed by Severus Snape, I would not hesitate to melt over him like a popsicle on the fourth of July. :)

The Do's and Don'ts of Department Store Shopping

If you're like me, you like to shop. Or at least, you DO shop. Either way, you must spend some amount of time in a department store.

Now I'll admit, before I took this job at my local TJMaxx, I was just an everyday, normal shopper. I have been guilty of several of these transgressions during the 19 years I've been shopping. (Yes, I've been shopping since infancy. I loved grabbing shoes off the shelves when I was in stores with my mother.) But in the almost month I've been a sales associate, I've realized just how many things any shopper does that can further complicate the job a sales associate has to do. Thus, I've compiled a list of the do's and don'ts of department store shopping.

DO try and find an item with a price tag attached. If it isn't the right color you are looking for, bring both items to the register with you, and we can check you out with the item you want. If you can't find another item of the same, ask an associate on the floor to help you out. We can do price check runs from the register, but just know that it will take time; 5-10 minutes at least, so don't get upset with the cashier because you have to wait. We are going as fast as we can, and doing the best we can with the resources we have.

DON'T ditch half your cart at the cash register. Know exactly what you plan on purchasing before you get to the register and before we have completely rung you out. Now, I don't mean if you have gone over-budget and you need to remove one or two items. That's not a big deal. I mean coming up with a cart load of things and then deciding as you are being rung out that you don't want every other item you have with you. That causes unnecessary items behind the counter and takes away valuable time from the sales team that could be used to help serve you and our store better and more efficently.

DO put things back where you got them. So you think that top is cute but want to take a better look? Go ahead, take it off the rack and look. But if you decide its not for you, for goodness sake PUT IT BACK where you found it. That goes for anything, anywhere in the store. And please, don't carry a million things around the store and then drop them all in a pile in an unrelated department. There is nothing more annoying to a sales associate than having to spend two hours doing recovery, picking up juniors clothes strewn all thoughout the home department. Just please, have some respect for our store and for us. We want your shopping experience to be easy and enjoyable, but it can't be if your associates are spending all their time cleaning up after you and your fellow shoppers.

DON'T use the kids/toys department as a daycare for your children. By all means, bring your children to the store with you. But please, keep an eye on them. Don't send them to wreak havoc throughout the toy section while you shop for shoes across the store. Sales associates are not babysitters, and cannot be blamed for any trouble your children get into. We want your children to be safe, but accidents do happen, and if you aren't watching them, it is more likely your child could get hurt. No one wants to see that happen. Just use common sense when you take your children shopping with you.

***

Now these guidelines are good for use in any store, whether it be a Wal*Mart, a Macy's, or even just your local grocery store. Not only is it just good practice, and respectful of the store you are visiting, but following these simple tips will help all of us sales associates help you, the customer, have a more pleasant shopping experience. 

Are any of you guilty of these shopping transgressions? Have any of you experienced a change in the way you shop because you have worked retail? What else would you add to this list?